my life.

my life is such that complete bullshit immediately follows my recognition of happiness.

recruiter never called me. s made me furious. can’t shake the ex-girlfriend worries.

looking forward to tomorrow. looking forward to going 1 day without stalking her on facebook. looking forward to feeling happy again and this time not acknowledging it so that happiness may continue on for longer than 1 day.

bitchy and happy.

i’m happy. i had a great day.

i’m being introduced to new people and i find myself being cold, short and kinda bitchy. i do it half to be funny and half because i really don’t feel like wasting my time. bitchy. i’ll be better tomorrow.

phone interview tomorrow. i’m optimistic.

i miss s. i want to marry him.

scatterbrained… but happy.

hometown.

vacationing back in the city i grew up in. it feels so good.

i fear that something is brewing at work and i will not have a job when i return next monday.

still in love. completely in love. miss my love.

me, the risk taker.

today i marched into a partner’s office and demanded more money. i’m reckless. i’m acting like i have nothing to lose. i think i do though.

i am in love. it’s awful. i put up with things i don’t want to. i give in, i compromise, i apologize, i cry uncontrollably, i embarrass myself. all this, riding on the hope that he just may be the one. no, all this, riding on the hope that he may think i’m the one. no, the former. both at the same time.

24 + 1 day.

i swore i looked different all day yesterday. something was “off” with my eyes. it might have just been smeared eyeliner.

i had a really happy evening. every minute.

24 will be the year i find a new, challenging, higher-paying job. 24 will be the year i stop obsessing about not “winning” so i can figure out what it is i really want.

not alone.

the way things were.

perhaps things have returned to normal. or soon on their way. i am loved and lucky but insatiable. here’s going on record that i have it pretty good. here’s also acknowledging that my quest for “more!” have almost cost me schroeder on multiple occasions.

2 more days of 23. currently making half the money i thought i’d be making by 24. perhaps a miracle will happen in the next 48 hours.

coward.

i’m sorry i haven’t written back.

i’m sorry i messed up and you’re the one who apologizes to me.

i’m sorry i’m dragging you through my mess.

i’m sorry i’m not better.

i’m sorry for ever tricking you into thinking i’m better than i am.

i’m sorry i love you more than anything.

annoying.

self-absorbed.

today, 10 people got laid off from my 150-person company. i’m an adult. an adult working through her first economic recession.

today, i walked into my president’s office and said i was bored at work and need more money. 1 hour later, people started to get escorted out of the building. i’m thankful that my employment is safe and no one on my team is getting the boot. i feel ironic and completely self-absorbed.

oh, and i think schroeder is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. my dancing make him smile. but she plays the piano.